captaiinmarvel:

when girls press their whole body against you when they hug, it means they like you a lot. also, they’re measuring your body to determine how long it will take them to eat your flesh, a technique shared by boa constrictors

fasterfood:

imagine being a newborn baby. u could fuck with people so hard. like someone goes “oh, how old are you?” you go “55”. they get confused as fuck. “wtf? u dont look close to 55”. at this point u have the upper hand. you smirk, and say “55…minutes”. everyone gets a good laugh. imagine

the-dick-lord-levi:

So we have an Italian exchange student at our school. And he and I were hanging out and he saw a pony, and he tried to show me but he didn’t know what it was called so he just pointed at it and said “Look, the compressed horse.” 

And then he just grinned at his complete understanding of the English language.  

holycorpse2:

holycorpse2:

skills

  • blowing cigarette ash off my clothes
  • living in filth/living with bugs
  • customer service

experience

  • made out with a girl once
  • it was tiiiight
  • so tight

really though.. it was fuckin tight…

adamusprime:

sending your kid to catholic school is the easiest way to guarantee your kid will not be catholic

neutralmilk:

goth privilege is not having to separate loads when you do laundry

sirghostlydick:

miley hella warned us that she couldn’t be tamed like 4 years ago